My dear, sweet, high-speed cable modem. You're so fickle lately.

Was it something I said? Perhaps that post about the large-scale bacteria was bothersome to you? Was I spending too much time browsing on e-Bay?

I'll forgive everything if you'll only come back to stay. Please, honey. I miss you so!

Okay folks, take note. I've got the line on the hot holiday gift for 2004... cute, cuddly super-sized diseases!

And truly, who could resist one of those fuzzy little ulcer bacteria?

In a mood so dreary you're lacking maudlin eloquence? Never fear. Thankfully, the internet — simultaneously terribly useful and crowded with garbage much like the drivel you're now reading — comes to the rescue with The Lovecraft Engine to spice your dark moments with extravagant hyperbole.

Your CANCEROUS, PUCKERED, PROTOPLASMIC SLITHERS will never be the same again.

Okay, here's one more thing to add to your "Harbingers of the Downfall of Western Civilization" list: The Grapple

Because apples really truly aren't delicious enough as is (and this has always been a major complaint of mine, with a stingy offering of nineteen distinct varieties available in New York state alone), these industrious folks have introduced apples injected with artificially flavors.

Brilliant.

I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that artificially grape-flavored apples have always topped my personal wish list of hopes for the future. I'm now absolutely certain that world peace and hover-cars are right around the corner.

Perhaps there's a more perfect meal than Sunday brunch, but I doubt it.

When else is it not only acceptable -- but expected -- for a person to nurse a bloody mary in one hand and a cuppa joe in the other?

I love the weekend pacing, the comfort-food offerings, the sling-backed conversations, the yellow morning light, the fresh, crisp paper, the lazy dress code, and the knowledge that the whole afternoon is stretched out before you, launched with a delicious meal.

It's cheap, it's relaxed, it's easy. Make mine biscuits and gravy. Just stay out of my local joint. Go find your own. I don't need you hogging up my spot.

4. Mmmm. Food.


Prize-winning honeybears.


Fresh-baked cookies, all-you-can-drink milk, and dairy princesses carved in butter.

3. Fresh little things.


Newborn chicks.


Fresh lambs.


Baby disguised as piglet.

2. Wacky seed mosaics.

1. It's the way they dress.


Sheep in a Speedo


Girl sporting pickle


Boy tries on Twinkie

So... what I'm going to term the "Hedonista Midwest Tour 2004" kicks off tomorrow with a joyous visit to my favorite Midwestern restaurant in the middle of nowhwere: the Bayport Cookery,

The Bayport is currently featuring its annual garlicfest. (Garlic at every course? I'm there. With breathmints) More on that soon.

This pleasure-orgy will be rapidly followed by a stop at the infamous Minnesota State Fair, home of everything edible from Alligator(!) to Zucchini (ooo! exotic. But fried, I assume).

I plan to make appearances at the on-site home of dairy princesses, the all-you-can-drink milk booth (not for the lactose-intolerent) and the honey plaza. Joy!

Never fear, folks! Pictures will follow soon...