Hotlisted: Fermented Cabbage

Thanks to the news that kraut and kimchi are the new keys to virility and immortality I predict the ancient art of cabbage fermenting becomes the hot new hipster hobby, replacing crocheting, roller derby, kickball meets and scooter gangs.

Yes, that unmistakably sulfurous odor that comes only from stirring a bubbling vat of stinking crushproof vegetable will be our nation's newest aphrodisiac.

Mark my words, people. The time to buy up cabbage futures is now.