The Path of the Righteous Man

George Saunders is amazing. He's one of my favorite fiction writers, and if you haven't read his story in the current issue of Harper's, you really should run right out to your favorite bookstore and snatch up an issue this instant.

Meanwhile, here's his recipe for a morally upright brunch, from a NY Times Magazine article this weekend. Terrific fare for puritans, models and protesters.

Light-as-Air Brunch
Air, approximately 6 cubic feet
1 pound highest-grade sirloin
3 eggs
4 perfect lobsters
Whipping cream, basil and the most expensive mushrooms obtainable anywhere in the world.

1. Mix, in a mixing bowl, the air. Set aside to cool.

2. Take the sirloin, the eggs, the perfect lobsters and the incredibly expensive mushrooms and return them to the store.

3. Come home.

4. Remember that you also should have returned the stupid basil and the idiotic whipping cream.

5. Bag up basil and whipping cream, go back to the store exasperated, return basil and whipping cream, stomp out of store.

6. Come home, pretend to be eating the air in the bowl, look at imaginary person to your right, slowly shaking head as if to say, Wow, was that good. Serves 1 to 20.

Important: If you experience actual pleasure during any of the above steps, you are doing it wrong. Smack yourself in the head with tenderizing mallet until headache develops, then repeat Steps 1 through 6, watching carefully for signs of enjoyment. A desirable variation involves skulking around the neighborhood to see if anyone is enjoying a lush, decadent meal. If so, lecture on benefits of self-denial and sinful nature of self-gratification until he or she loses appetite or chases you away. Sneak back later, firebomb his or her grill.