You're a chef, huh?

“SO! What do you do?” It’s informal party-speak for: “I’d like to peek into that window in your soul, if you don’t mind.”

My brainiac friends do things like extended magnetohydrodynamic modeling for fusion experiments. That line of work doesn’t leave a lot of room for casual follow-up questions. You need years of intensive physics study to form even a remotely interesting question. If you’re a professional cook, however, your occupation is intellectually accessible. Everybody’s eaten. Everybody’s been to a restaurant. Everybody’s got an opinion.

So you remember that time when we met at that party? If you could have heard my voice over the thumping bassline and whooping drunks, this is a sampling of what you might have heard.

Wow, so you’re a chef, huh?

Well, look at it this way: If I own a dingy, does that make me a captain?

“Chef” represents the head of the kitchen. Everyone else is just a cook, regardless of how much he or she kicks ass in the kitchen. So, call me a chef if you like, but it’s going to make any honest cook squirm just a bit.

So you’re probably never happy when you go out to eat, right?

It’s all about expectations. It’s pretty pathetic if I go somewhere and spend a nice chunk of change for something I could have done twice as well. But if I go to Burger King and I get Burger King, I’m a happy girl. I wasn’t expecting Nobu. If I go to Nobu and I get Burger King, however…

Do you want to hurt the people who order well-done meats and overcooked vegetables?

Nope. I just feel terribly sorry for them. And then I pick out the ugliest cut of meat, because at that point, there’s no flavor difference anyway.

So if I send something back, are you going to get pissed off and spit in the food or something?

Never. Never ever ever ever. I work with food because I love food. I respect food. I respect all the animals and plants and farm labor that went into that food. Why would I dishonor the food like that? Now keep in mind, that’s just me. I can’t speak for every cook or server out there, and I will say I’ve seen some shady things while working in fast food establishments as a teenager.

Like what?

I’ll pretend you didn’t ask that. So then, what do you do?